Yesterday I went out for a bike ride and rode 55 miles. It was a gorgeous day, perfect for a long ride. It was my last long ride I will do before the 75 mile race this coming Saturday. Thankfully (and honestly a bit surprising) I woke up feeling great today. I kinda thought I might be a bit sore, but I've been building up to this point these last few weeks and I guess it paid off.
Riding that far gives a person a lot of time to think. And I mean a LOT!!!! I admit, I have been having some anxiety the last few days about going back to our homeschool co-op and trying to get back into a busier routine. It has nothing to do with the people there as they have all been amazing and so supportive through all of this these last few months. They are practically family. I guess it's because I really haven't been around anyone in 2 months, let alone a lot of people I know at one time and I just don't know how I am going to be. I guess I'm afraid of being a sobbing mess or something. Especially given the fact that the first day back Noah will be 2 months old. The last time I walked the halls at co-op, it was a few weeks before we found out about Noah's condition. Also, everyone was looking forward to us returning with our baby. So I know it's going to be bittersweet going back.
It's not just me having anxiety with things. We got talking to the kids about going away overnight and Susans whole attitude seemed to change. Which is so unlike her. I've noticed occasional bouts of this lately so Kevin took her aside to talk. He finally got her to admit why she was getting upset at the idea of sleeping elsewhere......she feels like she is abandoning Noah if she is gone from home for too long. :( She said she knows he isn't here, but that there is just some sort of connection here at home where she feels closer to Noah. Poor kid was just bawling. How are you supposed to help your child when you yourself struggle with similar little things? Not only am I struggling to find our new "normal", so are the kids.
And I can relate to her. I haven't ever told anyone this I guess because it seems ridiculous. But on this rainy day today, I am reminded of the first day it rained after we had buried Noah, I just lost it. I sobbed at the thought of his little body in that cool, wet ground. I almost even went to his grave just to lay on it, to protect him. Yeah, I know, HE isn't there, but still, it was the first thought that came to me as it started to rain. Even now rainy, overcast days often are crappy days for me. The weather just feels depressing & it often sends me into a funk.
So if you can, remember us in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow as we start back to co-op on Noah's 2 month birthday. I know it may also be tough on the kids as well. Hannah mentioned wanting to take her "Noah baby" with her as she takes him everywhere. But she knows it will be difficult to juggle her baby and her classes so she will probably leave the doll at home.